The Turning Point?

Today was the last full day of classes, and the year is, thankfully, fading away like a ghost. Never has a summer needed to arrive sooner.

I hope that when I look back at my career, that this year will end up being just a momentary blip and not a turning point. I've never quite felt so disappointed with how things are going with the school, the system, and even the overall front of urban public education. This last bechmark - the one we received yesterday, which contains just a bunch of recycled questions from the MD website that the BCPSS paid millions to the Princeton Review for them to recycle - ate up most of my last day of classes today, and the kids are so frustrated by it.

"Why are we taking this benchmark after we've already taken the HSA?"

"Why are we taking a test right before our final instead of reviewing more?"

"Why are they making us do this?"

I have no idea what to tell them. I tell them I'm writing a letter and that they should, too. To whom, I don't know. I tell them that it's about showing that our school system has made Adequate Yearly Progress, which is tied to federal funds, as a way of explaining it, but I'm just guessing there, based on my knowledge of NCLB. It could be just for the amusement of the decision makers, for all I know.

I could barely look them in the face.

My colleagues are cutting their finals in half in order to fit on these questions, something I think is even worse; still, I can't blame them, because it's not as if we've been given much choice. I hate that we're put in a position - by the system that is supposed to be looking after these kids - to inflict these sort of bad educational practices onto our kids.

The mayor needs to know that the next time the school system cries poverty, that they're paying the Princeton Review over a million dollars to recycle HSA questions that have already been released to the public, and then to put them on a poorly designed websites for teachers to access several weeks later. The press needs to know, too.

But I'm not the man to do that, I don't think. I just want to be in a classroom with kids and help them learn to read actively and communicate their ideas effectively. I do not want to test them over and over again for no discernable reason.

Yes, this is the year that I totally lost faith in the powers that be. I just hope it's not the year I start to become jaded, because that's just not me.

The end of quality public education

Today was one of those days that destroys my faith in public education.

The backstory is this: the state of Maryland administers an exam to cover the skills taught in English 2 at the end of the sophomore year. The test is required for graduation, and its emphasis has grown every year since I’ve been a part of teaching in this state. It has especially grown with the advent of No Child Left Behind and the necessity of making Adequate Yearly Progress.

The Baltimore City Publics Schools System has been pressured in recent years for failing our students, and this failure is measured by these five tests. The data is published in the newspapers, and it’s a big deal to do well.

Because of the importance of these tests – both for the students to graduate and for the public perception that the kids are doing well – the system has paid Princeton Review nearly a million dollars to develop “benchmark” tests so that teachers can administer them and easily get scores back. However, the benchmark tests have been nothing but the recycling of HSA questions already released on the Maryland State Department of Education website. Basically, the BCPSS is spending nearly a million dollars to a company to recycle and repackage questions into benchmarks for the students of Baltimore, something that any teacher worth his snot has already done. It's a ludicrous waste of money and resources.

It sucks, and the online system to access the data is poorly designed and very slow, but admittedly it was cool to track kids’ progress after they had taken a couple of them. I used the data from the third benchmark to plan a lot of what I did in the fourth quarter. It's not worth a million dollars (imagine if we had textbooks to send home instead!) but it's been of some use at least.

Well, the kids took the English HSA last week. It was a torturously long three hour test, and almost all the kids feel like they did pretty well.

Phew! We’re done with all the test prep!

Nope.

There have been rumblings was continuing on with the English benchmark system despite the fact that the kids have already taken the HSA, which was the test that those benchmarks were preparing the kids for. However, I just didn’t believe it. We also heard that we were going to be required to give one of the benchmarks as our final exam. Still, I didn’t believe it.

Well, today the benchmarks arrived. We’re being required to give them as our final exams, and it makes me so MAD!

However, we’re going to skirt it, and just give it to the kids and send the data along. Still, that means that the last day of regular classes (tomorrow, basically, since Friday is a half day for some inane reason) will be taken up by giving this bullshit benchmark that is supposed to be preparing kids for a test that THEY HAVE ALREADY TAKEN!

And, by the way, the HSA, as well as all the benchmarks that we are given, is just flat easy. We’re trying to prepare kids for college, and the HSA doesn’t do that at all. I have no problem preparing kids for it, because I guess it’s important to know if a kid graduates from high school that they have some basic skills. But for the city to require these benchmarks AFTER the actual test has been taken, instead of actual classroom instruction, is simply terrible. It’s the dumbing down of America that you hear that No Child Left Behind does. And it sucks, sucks, sucks.

I’m so sick and tired of dealing with incompetent people who think that teachers just don’t care enough to care about this sort of thing. I’m tired of not fighting harder, of placating in any way. This is a problem all the way up to the CEO of Baltimore City Public Schools, who, we understand, is behind this directive. The poorly-organized and educationally-unsound program just reeks of pushing papers instead of teaching kids, and that’s more tragic than any sort of low test score results could show.

Money

Everyone told me, "It's so much cheaper to fly!" but it really wasn't. Driving would have taken approximately four fillups (1.5 for each trip, times two, plus one for getting around the state), and at not-quite $40/fillup at current prices, that would have left me at around $160. Add in the tolls, and you're at about $200. The plane ticket cost me $229, plus tax, making it around $260. Boarding the dog cost me $140, but it also sort of required me to get him updated on his shots, something I admittedly should have done anyway, but I was only a couple of months late on Kennel Cough and Distemper (Rabies is good for another two years). But he was there, so we also did the whole exam. Total cost for his exam and the cat's, plus his stay, plus diarrhea medicine for the stress diarrhea he got while there? $425. Now we're up to $685. The rental car cost me $137. I got the Economy for $15/day, but once they guilt you into getting the insurance at $20/day, plus tax, plus gas, it all adds up. Now we're up to $802. Gas for the rental car cost me $40. Now we're at $842. Eight-hundred and forty-two dollars to go to a wedding, and I'm not even counting the tux ($125) or the gift (not yet purchased, because I'm flat broke).

And, yes, I am flat broke, and will probably spend this summer surviving on credit cards, which really sucks. My savings have gone to pay for my classes. If you've missed my complaining about it every year, Baltimore teachers do not get paid in the summers, nor do we have the option of having our pay spread out for twelve months. You can, however, set up a savings account at the credit union, which I have done, but it's not even close to the same as just getting paid for twelve months. I'm doing a lot better with money than I used to - my credit score is halfway decent now - but reading all the Suze Orman in the world isn't helping me get ahead. I'm just not behind anymore.

I just have to remember that after the fall, I'll have my MAT, which means a $6,000 raise, which will make dumping all the money into these graduate classes worth it. Eventually.

2 Weddings, 2 States, 2 Friends

Over the weekend, two good friends were married: one in Lansing, one in Baltimore. I have know the Lansing friend, who has been known in various stages of this online journal as Eleanor, since 1997, when we both were hired to be Resident Assistants together in Akers Hall at Michigan State. I have known the Baltimore friend for a considerably shorter time (about four years) but she is a terrific colleague – always challenging me to be a better teacher – and the kind of friend you can call up at 7:30am on a Saturday morning because your car has been broke into and you need a ride home from the autoglass shop.

While it was never a question of which wedding I should attend – the Lansing friend’s wedding had been planned almost a year longer, and I was actually a member of the wedding party, plus, let’s face it, I’ve known her for a decade and we’ve been through a lot together – I was still pretty disappointed to be missing the wedding of my Baltimore friends. Still, when I got to Michigan, everything just felt right. I’d never been in a wedding before, nor had ever been involved with the responsibilities that it entailed: getting the tux, going through the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, ushering guests to seats. I was even chosen to take the bride’s mother down the aisle to the unity candle and then her seat. Then, the reception was just a great time – a reunion of my best college friends, with lots of dancing and beer.

Getting away and attending this wedding did what most weddings and trips do: made me think and reflect. About two weeks ago, I came to the conclusion that the 2007-2008 school year will probably be my last in Baltimore, at least if things continue how they have been going. I realize now that my happy feelings about my school and this city mostly reside in my early memories of being here, when I was consistently challenged to be a better teacher, when I was figuring things out around the city and around my career, when we had great leadership in the department so that I had something to work towards, when my social life was active and healthy. I haven’t had that for a few years, and there just doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I’m tired of thinking about what a wonderful school this could be; frankly, it was a wonderful school and a wonderful place to work just three or four years ago, and it has suffered a steady decline in just about everything – work environment, cleanliness, standards, class size, class load, schedule – since that time.

Things could change. I’ve been enjoying the things I’ve heard percolating in some recent discussions about how next year might look. I’m still an optimist. But too often, I’ve found myself resorting to cynicism this year, which has turned out to be another off-year in my mind.

And the wedding weekend sort of made this more clear. I’m a man right now torn between places. I moved from Michigan for a reason – its conservatism, its weather, its sameness – but visiting my homestate, I’m reminded of its attributes. Things just seem so much simpler there. I love Baltimore, but I often feel let down by it - by the toll roads, by the garbage baking in my street when I returned home, by the parking ticket notice I received in the mail. I like big city life, I do, but it doesn’t seem to like me all that much.

Michigan doesn’t really seem a great place for me, either, but I like Lansing a bit. And Chicago is a cool city, though I don’t know how livable for a public school teacher. But the truth is, that I don’t know where my place is right now, and that’s not a great feeling. Every place that I want to call home doesn’t quite seem like home. Especially school, lately.

Two weeks until summer vacation.

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go

Blogger.com keeps making my browser crash, particularly Mozilla. Only this website. Don't know why.

Why are you blogging, when you said you'd be driving to Michigan today? Well, this morning, plane tickets dropped $100 and I decided to fly home instead of drive. The wedding is Saturday at 3:30, but the wedding party is meeting at 3:30 on Friday to get our tuxes. The flight gets into Detroit at one o'clock, so I'll be cutting it a bit close to get into Lansing on time, but I think it's worth it since I probably would be driving through Toledo at around this time and still have a few hours left.

I'm boarding Holden at my vet's place. It's $24/day, plus he's getting his yearly exam and shots while he's there. That's a pretty good deal, I guess.

I'm excited about the wedding, and about seeing my grandparents, who I haven't seen since last summer. Need to get some sleep, though, because the cab should be taking me to the airport at around 6am tomorrow.

Hint, Hint

I could tell that when my roommate asked me a couple of days ago what I was doing Tuesday night, that something was up. "I'm just cooking dinner for this girl I'm dating," she said, and left it at that. However, last night she asked me to help her put a door on her bedroom (the house is still being fixed up) to replace the curtain that has been up since I moved in. And she changed her sheets. And scrubbed out the tub.

I can take a hint.

So I've been out to dinner with a friend, then to the Baltimore Sports and Social Club softball meeting, and now I'm at the White Marsh Library, siking myself up for a workout at Bally's before I head home.

And four more things...

1. Unless something dramatic happens, it looks like I will drive home to Michigan this weekend instead of fly. Tickets have been up in the $250 range for weeks for travel on Memorial Day Weekend, and I don't have anyone to watch my dog, so the cost of boarding him (and parking at BWI) needs to be factored into the cost of the trip. It'll just be cheaper to drive. I'm taking Friday off, so I'm effectively having a four-day weekend, and I think I can make that 11-hour drive like I did when I was 25 years old, with the dog by my side. I still could change my mind.

2. Never before do I remember having such a hard time with finding a watcher for my dog. I've lost touch with my friend who did it all the time, and I guess that's why. I've never boarded him in my life, and after hearing the $20/day cost at most places, and the necessity of finding paperwork for him after the move... it's just simpler to drive. The roommate is also going out of town this weekend.

3. I'm watching the season finale of 24 right now. It's sort of sad that this season has degenerated from mind-blowing television to background blogging sounds, but at least it was really good for that first half of the season - the nuclear bomb in LA, the President dealing with a Cabinet that wanted to suspend civil liberties, the plot to assassinate, the constitutional crisis when the President went into that first coma, etc. And then something happened,a nd the show jumped the shark fo rthe season. Was it when the President went into his second coma, as if the writers couldn't figure out what to do with a do-gooder President. Was it when Jack saved his fizzled-out ex-flame? I don't know, but something happened, and the show became just silly. But at least it was the first television I really watched in a few years, and it reminded me that I could keep up with a weekly show and really be into it.

4. Today, I scheduled the last of my Master's courses. I have four of them, and, unfortunately, only one is offered in the summer. So I scheduled that one, and then three (!) in the fall. I'm not sure if I will stick with it, but spring classes don't work for me, and one of the fall classes is on Saturdays. That means Wednesday nights, Thursday nights, and Saturday days for classes, if I decide to stick with it. I e-mailed my academic advisor to see if she had any suggestions, or ways I might be able to substitute one of the requried courses not offered in the summer for one of the courses actually offered in the summer (and there are a few that seem much more interesting than the required courses anyway). I'm not sure if it will be fruitful, but I'm hopeful.

The Rising Tide of Mediocrity and the Maryland HSA

Today was the day of the Maryland English High School Assessment, which, for the first time, is a requirement for graduation. The test is high stakes not just for students, but for teachers as well; the administration wants nothing more than to do great when the newspaper prints our scores in October, and we have had meetings containing the phrase "HSA skills" all year. Today was the anticlimactic close to that, a two hour, 50 minute test that, despite its many problems, will determine whether a student graduates or not.

I don't mind high stakes testing in certain settings, but the Maryland HSA has a number of serious issues that I wish would have been addressed before it became a graduation requirement. Time is the biggest factor. STudents are required to write an ECR (Extended Constructed Response), a BCR (a Brief Constructed Response), and answer 25 multiple-choice questions (plus read the stories that go along with them) in just an hour. That translates to about 20 minutes to write the 4-6 paragraph ECR, 15 minutes to write the analytic 2-3 paragraph BCR, and one minute each to answer the 25 questions and read all the selections.

I have no idea why the emphasis is so much on rushing, particularly with writing. All year, we emphasize being careful with writing, and then students are asked to write a long essay, a short essay, and answer a bunch of questions in just an hour? It sucks, and just breeds mediocrity.

On a day like this, it's worth remembering that whether a school makes Annual Yearly Progress and gets federal funding is based largely upon the whims of the students. I know several students today who just didn't feel like taking it, and spent a bunch of time doodling or putting their head down. Hopefully they'll still pass - word on the street from the kids is that the test was "easy" - but it sucks to know that students have so little at stake here. They can take it again and take it again, but it's the schools and the teachers who are criticized for not getting scores up.

To my friend in Tucscon

... we're trying to find your current e-mail address to send you an invitation to the big retirement party for you-know-who. I know you're still out there but we don't know how to reach you. Could you comment or e-mail?

The story of a weekend

Since Friday, it has been a whirlwind.

After the workday, we headed out for our usual Friday happy hour. However, our plans to go to the always solid Rocky Run and their barroom trivia were dashed because the place smelled - literally - like vomit. According to the bartender, some sort of pipe burst underneath the bar, and he snarkily told us that if we had $150,000, we could get it fixed. The smell made me want to vomit, so we left for Joe Squared, which, while it doesn't have trivia, it does have great food and conversation. The place has classed itself up in recent months with candles on the tables and ties on the servers, and I've finally found something that I just love to eat there - a reuben sandwich made out of mushrooms. The place is certainly one of the best bars in Baltimore and I really should try to get there more often.

I was especially reminded of this last night when I ended up walking through Cross Street on Federal Hill. That college student and yuppy hell is a place I don't want to go near anytime soon. Even Thirsty Dog Pub, one of my favorite bars, has unceremoniously changed its name (to "The Dog Pub"), has raised its beer prices in recent months (still pretty much the best beer in Baltimore other than Brewer's Art, but still...), and, just over the weekend, has stopped allowing dogs in the place. This wasn't their decision - it's something about a city ordinance that they're just now enforcing, or someone complained or something - but it still sucks. It apparently affects every bar that allowed dogs before, like Pickled Parrot in Canton. That's a bummer. I didn't bring Holden out to the bar that often, but it's something that made Thirsty Dog unique.

After Joe Squared on Friday, I headed in for a shift at the restaurant. I try not to work Fridays, but I'm a bit broke now and will get super broke in the matter of six weeks or so, so I thought I'd not complain and head on in. However, I was disappointed to learn that I'd be closing, working until 1am. Not horrible, but something I don't want to do after working at school all day. To top it off, though, I had to open up the place at 8am. It was a key issue; I'm one of three with the key, so I've got to open up or close up when I'm assigned. This meant that I worked at school all day, then at the restaurant until 1, then back to the restaurant from 8 until 5 the next day. I figured it out - it was working roughly from 8am on Friday to 5pm on Saturday, with the only time off when I was sleeping or the hour I spent at Joe Squared in between. That was a lot. But it worked out okay, as I made quite a bit of money on Friday night.

Last night, I made an appearance at Senior Prom. About six of us wore our best and saw the Senior class off with one of their last ceremonial events. It was an alright time. About eight teachers were there, and seven were from the English department. Most of the Assistant Principals and Guidance Counselors were there, too. Kids looked nice. This is a good class that's graduating.

Today, I'm slowing down a bit - a trip to the gym, a trip to the consistently disappointing Trader Joe's, a trip to Target - then back here to watch baseball and grade papers. I need a nice off day like this.

Season over

Our season ended today. Yesterday's momentum survived into the 3rd inning, which was cointinued from the previous game; we scored two more runs to take a 4-run lead. Then, they just whalloped us, hitting several home runs and showing why they're one of the best teams in the state. It feels good to know that we competed with them for a few innings, but it sort of sucks that yesterday's game was delayed. When we arrived, they had a left-handed coach throwing breaking pitches to their hitters, saying things like, "Don't swing at that, that's exactly what he'll want you to do." That extra preparation and practice was probably the difference in the game.

Still, it was a pretty good year. 11-4 in the regular season, 2-1 in the playoffs. It was also a tumultuous year, filled with some controversy and waves. I wasn't the greatest coach in the world, but I sure worked my butt off. If I don't get fired from the position next Jan. 2 - a distinct possibility, like it will probably be every year - then I will do a lot of different things every year. The team will be totally different, as I'm losing 13 seniors, including 7 of 9 starters. I've got some good young talent, though no ideas yet about several key positions and lineup spots. And I'm sure I'll notice some of the huge holes that I've taken for granted this year, like four years with one of the best catchers in the city, and the last two years with one of the most talented pitchers in the city, and four years with a kid who knows playing the game better than I do.

It feels good to end the season on a good note, though, and, honestly, it feels good to end the season. I'm really exhausted, and am living my life pretty unhealthily right now - Monster energy drinks (sugar free, but still), way too much fast food, not enough sleep, not enough exercise. I've got to snap back into a more healthy lifestyle starting tomorrow.

We're up

The game was delayed with the good guys having a 2-0 lead in the 3rd inning. It's a bummer that the rain came, because I think we were shocking them and they weren't quite ready for it. I hope we can maintain that momentum tomorrow, when we resume. That'll be my job.

Meanwhile, I headed down to DC to see Todd Snider and Dan Bern - two of my all-time favorites - perform a show together. I'd been disappointed with my last couple of Bern shows, but he regained his irreverent form tonight. And Snider was the best that I've seen him in years.

Little left-handers and relaxed confidence

There's a chance we will win tomorrow. Not a huge chance, but a chance. Last year, in just the second round of playoffs, we lost 9-0 against them. They scored seven runs in the first two innings against my last year's #1 starter, a tall skinny righthander with a good arm. They ate him up alive in his last game in high school, as he graduated two weeks later.

After he struggled, I put in my little left-handed junkballer. They scored two runs in four innings off him. He kept them off-balance, he kept the ball down, and our solid defense was able to fend off any big innings.

I'm starting that little left-hander tomorrow, so I'm hopeful that our even-stronger-than-last-year defense will keep the game in check.

Offensively, we're in a much tighter spot. Last year, there were major league scouts scouting the guy who started against us, a 6'4" left-hander who threw 85. He pitched just three innings, allowing one hit, and their reliever did about the same, allowing just one more hit. We managed two hits in seven innings.

We're going to have to manufacture some runs, and hopefully run into a pitcher with some control issues. We had some really smart at-bats in the game yesterday, and must build off that.

I'm going to tell the team that tomorrow in the pre-game speech. I'm also going to tell them to relax. I think what can make us successful in this game is relaxing. The pressure is on them to live up to the hype and the press. The pressure is on them to win the state championship. For us, we've had a good year already. We're huge underdogs, just like we were in the game yesterday, and that's exactly where we should be. If we go out there relaxed and confident that we play the game well, then our emotions will be in check and we won't allow those big innings to take place.

Unlike other sports, anything can happen in baseball. The huge underdog Cardinals beat the Tigers last year, and they weren't even that good of a team. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays occasionally beat the Yankees. If we play a smart ballgame, we can win this thing. We're underdogs, but we're still a good team, having won 13 of 17 contests this year and advancing to the regional state playoffs despite being an underfunded team in the city. WE can win this game.

I still don't know who is starting at third base yet.

High point of the year

When my players dumped the cooler of ice water over my head during the post-game victory speech today, they washed away all the bad feelings I have had about this season. The players were leaping around like they just won the World Series, I was dripping wet, and I couldn't have been happier.

And, really, this was my best moment as a coach, ever. After beating this tough team with the best record in the city - a team that beat us twice in the regular season - we've now made it to the third round of the playoffs, the farthest we've made it in at least a decade. During the game today the team demonstrated everything you'd want out of a baseball game: intensity, team spirit, heart, clutch hitting, and superb pitching. And it's almost all the kids, but I'm proud of myself for some minor pinch-running and pinch-hitting moves I made in our 4-run fourth inning that I think messed with the rhythm of the opposing pitcher, who started the game by retiring our first eight hitters.

We're on to play a big county team on Wednesday. I don't know if we'll make it to the State championship, but it feels darn good to get where we've gotten so far. The nucleus of the team are a group of guys I've coached for four years, and I'm so proud of them.

Four things

1. Waiting tables on Mother's Day Night proved to be as fruitful as I would have hoped. I made enough to almost pay off a very old parking ticket that I just found out about so I can get my tags renewed next month. So many bills right now...

2. Towson Trader Joe's continues to disappoint me. First, they discontinue everything that I love, from the dearly departed salmon jerky to the craberry vanilla fiber cereal to today's caramel yogurt. Secondly, those new bags they use in their checkout lanes are cheap and break every time I use them. Thirdly, those said checkout lines no longer have free samples. For a place that's ridiculously busy nearly every time I visit, it would be nice to see them not cut corners all the time.

3. I was happy, however, to see that they're finally removing those escalators in favor of stairs in the complex that houses Trader Joe's, Barnes & Noble, and Bally's. I still had to take the tiny elevator today, but hopefully those stairs will be done soon.

4. I'm heading to a concert on Wednesday night (I think) - Todd Snider and Dan Bern. Two of my all-time favorites, playing togther. I need some great live music right about now, and really look forward to the show.

5. Tomorrow, I've planned a rather involved stations activity for the closing of Their Eyes Were Watching God. A project, an essay, and the stations activity, then the film version after the HSA. I watched the film today, and was pleasantly surprised - it's a much better adaptation than I would have expected, right up there with Of Mice and Men on the list of great literature adapted into great movies. I'm generally disappointed, as most people are, to see novels I love turned into movies, but Halle Berry and Oprah Winfrey really outdid themselves here.

Bills and Tigers

I'm a bit behind on bills right now, and with a Memorial Day weekend wedding trip to Michigan and the summer (and no paychecks) coming soon, I'm excited about the Mother's Day night shift today. We'd better be busy.

However, I'm disappointed that ESPN is broadcasting the Tigers baseball game and that I'll be missing it. I've never been able to see the Tigers on ESPN Sunday night baseball, and, as much as I hate Joe Morgan, I still would like to see it. Of course, I don't have cable, so even if I didn't have to work I'd still have to find a friend's place where to watch it, but it would have been enjoyable nonetheless.

The Tigers are playing some great ball right now, and it's really unbelievable to me. They obviously have a great team, but winning 10 of 11 - and two straight against those ghastly Minnesota Twins - is shocking, especially with Joel Zumaya and Kenny Rogers out with fairly serious injuries. Both will be back in July/August, making it as if the Tigers were acquiring two top-notch pitchers for the stretch run. Honestly I was just hoping they'd be within striking distance by then. Instead, they seem to be rolling right along, and, while it's early, the return of Zumaya and Rogers may be just gravy. I'm proud of them for getting through the month of April with three regulars hitting around .150 (Inge, Sheffield, Monroe) and still finishing over .500. Now that they're hitting (the ony guy not hitting now seems to be I-Rod, who will bounce back), and the pitching is still clicking, it doesn't seem like much will stop them anytime soon.

How long till my soul gets it right

It was a long day today, starting with taking the roommate to the airport at 6am, then a surprise shift at the restaurant (I didn't think I had to work, but a call at 9am saying I was a half-hour late ended that notion), which required me to miss a baby shower/barbecue I was set (and excited) to attend, then down to Elkridge for a wedding party.

When I returned home, I had a letter from a friend who I trust a lot. It's good to get the perspective of people outside a situation, especially this guy's, and his letter has made me think quite a bit. See, I told him about the situation with the kid a week and a half ago, when I screamed at him to go get the fucking foul ball, and how that situation escalated despite my apology. He wrote quite a bit about how people like me - the reflective types - internalize someone else's hate and try to justify a reason for it, even thinking there must be some sort of kernel of truth to it. Then, he transitions into what I did, writing: "I am, and if I'm overstepping my bounds forgive me and ignore this paragraph, worried about your anger. Is it time to think about therapy?"

And, while I'm not sure if this is where I am, I can certainly say that I'm not a big fan of myself right now. I haven't seen this guy every day for a couple of years, and I can probably say unilaterally that the "Epiphany in Baltimore" of two years ago would never have gotten himself in this situation. I've always been known for my cool head and happy-go-lucky attitude, and I just don't have it right now.

And, yes, the last three weeks or so have been bad, to the point where I'm feeling very homesick and guilty about moving from Michigan and leaving my parents and sister behind, for what? My school is disfunctional and my job not nearly as fulfilling as it felt just two years ago, let alone four years ago. I'm 30 years old without any prospects for marriage or kids and, really, not much motivation for it, either. I've gained 50 pounds after losing 120. I'm unhealthy, lonely, and perpetually exhausted.

I can still look at my life through certain lens and be pretty happy about it. I have great friends. I still have great days teaching, and do really love the students and the material I'm teaching. I like coaching most of the time. I even like waiting tables.

But am I happy? I'm not. I've been thinking hard lately about my next step in life. The moving in with my friend has gone well, but it was just a move to prolong the inevitable, the next step in my life. Will it be buying a house in Baltimore, and actually trying some new things on the social scene of Baltimore? Like, actually dating? It doesn't seem the case. I really don't like myself that much right now. I'm just not in a good place.

How can I find this good place? I don't really think therapy is for me, and I actually do know what's "wrong" with me - I'm too busy, too overcommitted, too unhealthy, too fat, too lonely. I don't concentrate on what is important and concentrate on everything else. I fall easily into bad habits. I surround myself with too much negativity and let it fester. I don't go to the gym anymore, my best outlet for stress and best way to feel good about myself. I spent money foolishly and allow it to become stressful. I let things go until I have to deal with them, and it's always worse then.

I can identify all these things. It's just doing something about it where I get lost.

We ended the regular season 11-4

We played our big rival today, and the game was a close 2-2 after foru innings. Then, the wheels came off. Ever see two grand slams in one inning? It was probably the worst inning I've ever experienced as a player or a coach in my 25 years in baseball. Seriously.

We were victims of some pretty horribly umpiring, then some bad luck. The umpiring was especially bad, and the kids were wanting me to get in his face and get thrown out. Couldn't do it, though - that would have put me out for the playoffs season. I did get quite a few screams in, enough to get warned, "If you say another word, you're gone," but that was it. That still wasn't enough for one of my players in particular, who yelled at me from the field to do something about the umpiring. I'm going to have a long talk with him tomorrow, but I was questioning myself a bit.

Thankfully, my team captain said something to me on the way out in the parking lot: "You know, coach, you're lucky you're you, because otherwise, something would have happened." I thought at first that this was this kid's way of criticizing me, but I still purused it: "Yeah," he explained. "I wanted to get in that ump's face and follow him out to his car, but you kept me calm." And that helped a lot in me feeling like I did do the right thing by keeping myself in check while still letting the umpire know how unhappy I was.

Playoffs start tomorrow. It's single elimination, so the season could be over tomorrow. Hopefully not, though.

I plodded my way home, where a neighborhood girl again asked me if I played for the Baltimore Orioles, then sat and stewed for a couple hours before my cat started yelling at me about not having any food. I silently trudged over to Safeway, lamenting my existence just a tad, when a security guard came up to me and said, "Excuse me, sir, could you help me out?" He went on to ask me how to wash and wax a car. It was so random and friendly that I forgot about everything just for a moment, and smiled as I walked down the frozen food aisle.

Do you play for the Orioles?

Another victory last night, and now we're 11-3. And I did actually have some serious fun at that last game. What a ballgame.

When I returned in my dirty baseball uniform, a little girl in the neighborhood asked if I played for the Orioles. That's actually not the first time this has happened, but it still amuses me every time.

The new neighborhood is much more of a neighborhood than the former one was. I love it, but when I park my car and walk into my house, I feel like I'm on stage. Half of the porches on the block are full of people, and I feel their eyes on me as I poorly parallel park and then trudge in the house. I always say "Hi" when I make eye contact, but that's it. I loved that the little girl ran up shyly and asked me the question, though. It was like she was Scout and I was Boo Radley, but the kids were tentative to talk to me not because I was crazy, but because I was white.

Return to normal

I'm almost always an optimistic person who enjoys my job a great deal, so getting back to that state of mind this week has helped a lot. Today was a fine day - a lesson that worked swimmingly for my 10th graders, and a lesson that allowed me a little down time to get some grading and student conferences completed. My afternoon classes were decimated by AP tests, which is fine by me - talking with 10 of those kids at a time instead of 38 helps remind me why they're good kids. Then, baseball practice was great. The kids' excitement about the playoffs and the beautiful Baltimore weather set the stage for one of the most exhilarating practices in recent memory, which is a great thing heading into four days of consecutive games (the last two regular season games tomorrow and Thursday, plus round one of playoffs on Friday and - hopefully - a continuation on Monday and beyond). Throw in a positive conversation with my principal - a welcome thing after the events of last week - and I have a day where I don't have any complaints.

The night was just as good. The last show of our $60/6 show deal at Center Stage was tonight, and we enjoyed a sidewalk dinner at Iggie's Pizza (I had, seriously, one of the best pizzas I've ever had, with sliced pears, goat cheese, and balsamic glaze) before heading over to see Things of Dry Hours, which I liked quite a bit. I learned something about a period of American History I knew nothing about, was impressed by the poetry of the dialogue, and entranced by the acting by the 67-year old lead, Roger Robinson.

So, a great night, and things seem back to normal. And it's the last full week of the school year, so there's some reason to celebrate.

Five points

1. So, one of my least favorite players signed with one of my least favorite teams; the only thing worse would have been Barry Bonds signing with Boston. But I sure hope Roger Clemens starts acting his age soon, because I'd love to watch him melt down with the Yank-Me's this year. That being said, I'd probably do exactly the same thing Clemens is doing if I could - work a short season, play where my friends are playing, hold out for the most money, spend more time with the family, increase my longetivity by not subjecting myself to the 162-game grind. That doesn't mean I'm not rooting for him to crash and burn, just like I have ever since he bitched his way off the Toronto Blue Jays a bunch of years ago.

2. Another victory tonight, and now we're 10-3. I wish I was having more fun.

3. Miniature situation: On Thursday, I asked a girl to leave class because she had an attitude. Out in the hallway, she called me "stupid." She was absent Friday. Today, I immediately sent her to the office, because I'm not letting her back in the classroom until the issue is resolved (her mother's three numbers are all invalid). Today, when I did that, she called me "pathetic." Stupid and pathetic, that's me! Something better be done to this massively rude girl. If not, I'm not going to let her back in my classroom.

4. I'm enjoying getting back into In Cold Blood with my students. Last night, I decided to preview the film "Infamous" here at home to see if it was worth showing to the class after we finished it. Verdict? Nah. It's just not that great, although I did get a kick out of Sandra Bullock playing Harper Lee. Capote it will be, although there are no TV/VCRs in the English department ever since someone accidentally moved the cart away from the wall with the plug still in the outlet. The cord ripped in half and now we're without. I may have to end up opening up my pockets a little bit to make sure I can show a film. The kids will really like Capote.

5. The High School Assessment for English is two weeks from today. This is the highest stakes test I'll ever have prepared students for. I hope I did alright by them. I sure have been working hard.

Jay Payton shows me

Jay Payton is, for me, the metaphor for why the Orioles are a poorly-managed team and will continue to be mediocre until the front office is cleared of the likes of Flanagan et el. He is a singles-hitting corner outfielder who, because he might hit .270-.300, people think is a decent player. However, those are totally empty numbers, without any patient or power, and that makes Payton a marginal major leaguer, and certainly not a starting corner outfielder. And he also provides production that several players throughout the high minor leagues and the waiver wire (Jon Knott, languishing in Baltimore's AAA, comes to mind) could provide. But, instead, the O's are dumping several million dollars into him - as well as into mediocre relief pitchers like Danny Baez and Jamie Walker - and wonder why they lose and/or don't have the money to pursue someone like a Carlos Lee.

Well, Mr. Payton showed me last night, when he got three hits and helped lead the Orioles to an 8-1 victory over the hated Indians. The tickets were a gift from a parent, the result of yet another parent conflict I had earlier this year - though this one was about them spreading rumors about me, and me calling them on it. The conflict actually ended healthily and without any fanfare. The kid and the mother wrote me a long letter of apology and gave me Orioles tickets for last night's game. They were in the fourth row behind third base, and we could actually hear the players talking with one another - easily the best seats I've ever experienced in my 23 years of attending major league baseball games. And the night was beautiful and the O's beat the Indians in a victory that put the Tigers into first place, so it was a great night all around.

One thing about coaching a good team in the city is that they talk about you on the Baltimore Sun High school sports forum. And not always in a good way. Oh well.

Lists

I'm all about lists. I hear a song come on the radio, and I might say, "Oh, this is one of my top three songs of all time." And I do actually have that - a list in my head of my top three songs of all time. That list has actually been static for the last several years (Tracy Chapman's "Fast Car", Bruce Springsteen's "Thunder Road", Arrested Development's "Tennessee"), but, otherwise, I say it without actually thinking about what would be in my top five or top ten.

Last night, for example, we were at Thirsty Dog, and we were playing the game we always play there, and often play whenever we're at a bar that plays music. We hear a few songs, getting a sense of what the playlist might be like, and then we start betting about which artist will be played next. It's a dollar an artist, and the pot remains until someone gets their artist played and the pot is won. Thirsty Dog is a place where it's especially interesting to play this game, because the playlist is usually the I-Pod of a waitress there on random play, and it's fun to try to get hints from the waitress about what artists might be on the I-Pod.

Last night, Weezer and Counting Crows were both played, and I immediately blurted out, "Oh, these are two of my five favorite artists of all time," to which my friend replied, "You know, if we added up all your five favorite artists, we'd be up to 30." And he's probably right. But I put in my dollar for - I forget - Nirvana, another band I loved in the mid-nineties - and ended up losing it to the girl who put in U2.

After reading Snay's list of his ten favorite movies of all time, I thought it would be fun to try to put into writing some of the lists I'm always spouting off. And lord knows I need tomething lighthearted and fun to do for a change lately.

Movies:

1. Magnolia

2. Good Will Hunting

3. Heathers

4. The Royal Tenenbaums

5. The Hours

6. Signs

7. Bull Durham

8. Adaptation

9. 40-Year Old Virgin

10. You Can Count on Me

Musical Artists:

1. Brenda Kahn

2. Weezer

3. Melissa Ferrick

4. Tracy Chapman

5. Kanye West

6. Counting Crows

7. Dan Bern

8. Arrested Development

9. Juliana Hatfield

10. Todd Snider


Songs:

1. "Fast Car," Tracy Chapman

2. "Thunder Road," Bruce Springsteen

3. "Tennessee," Arrested Development

4. "Spaceship," Kanye West

5. "Jerusalem," Dan Bern

6. "I Ain't Never Loved a Man," Aretha Franklin

7. "Anchorage," Michelle Shocked

8. "A Better Place To Be," Harry Chapin

9. "Satisfied Mind," Jeff Buckley

10. "Say It Ain't So," Weezer


Books:

1. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

2. The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger

3. The Color Purple by Alice Walker

4. A Lesson Before Dying by Ernest Gaines

5. Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin

6. The Known World by Edward P. Jones

7. The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami

8. Bee Season by Myla Goldberg

9. A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway

10. In Cold Blood by Truman Capote

Albums:

1. Epiphany in Brooklyn by Brenda Kahn

2. Weezer (Blue Album) by Weezer

3. Unplugged in New York by Nivana

4. I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got by Sinead O'Connor

5. College Dropout by Kanye West

6. Tracy Chapman by Tracy Chapman

7. Greatest Stories Live by Harry Chapin

8. 70 People at 7,000 Feet by Melissa Ferrick and Brian Winton

9. Grace by Jeff Buckley

10. August and Everything After by The Counting Crows

It is the weekend, finally, and that week I had last week is now over. I hope that in a few years, that last week will not seem like such a big deal, but it could end up being so. It could be the week that eventually ends my baseball coaching career, which would suck, although I'm having a hard time explaining to myself lately why exactly it would suck. It's a job that I do for the love of it and, frankly, I haven't loved it this year. I've had moments where I've loved it, but this year has been more of a challenge than anything else. I have found myself getting excited about next year a little bit this year, but it's mostly about what I would do differently next year with the team, when I won't have a core group of really good seniors that kind of run things. But, right now, I have an internal countdown to the end of the year.

So, the worst parental conflict of my life, and what have I learned? That people can call you racist in this profession and there's nothing you can really do about it. That people and students can totally lie about interactions and it can go as far as getting a disciplinary letter in your file. But also that being as humble as possible from the beginning is probably the best route, even if someone is flailing her arms at you in the parking lot. And that hypocracy knows no bounds.

The school is not a great place to be right now, and those five weeks until the end of the year couldn't come quicker.

A pendulum upswing of sorts

Somehow, things feel a little better today.

The meeting with the principal and the parents went as well as could have been expected. She lied through her teeth, and I didn't feel like I was given enough of a chance to respond, but it was still as good as probably can be expected, at least with the low expectations I have for support of teachers in the BCPSS. I don't know what's going to happen, but I did find myself having fun out there today coaching against our big rivals. We didn't win, like we haven't for a decade against this team, but the game was close and my players really showed a lot of heart. The game literally ended with our bases loaded, two outs, and a full count - unfortunately, the kid struck out to end the game. But I had to throw my little left-hander - who throws just hard enough to dent a milk carton - out there because I have about four other kids whose arms are about to fall off. The kid doesn't throw hard, but he pitches smart, and he really did here; it was really a joy to watch him. Unfortunately, their pitcher was college ball ready and just dominated us. We play them again next week, and I'm heartened by the fact that we fought hard, we got a few runs, and that they made about five errors, meaning that this team is beatable. We play them on Thursday at home for the final game of the season. Woah.

Earlier today, I don't think I've ever wanted to be at school less. It makes me mad that I've let one lying parent get in my head, but it's another reminder of how I'm the type of person who thrives on positivity. Last night, I had thoughts for the first time in years of job-searching. Chicago was beckoning me with its basically functional large urban school district and closer geography to my family. Today, though, I was brought back to life by my baseball team, the same baseball team that I was heartbroken by the day before.

Tomorrow, my goal is to not have kids ask me all day, "What's wrong, Mr. E? You look upset." Because, yes, I was. Hopefully, I won't be tomorrow. Things are feeling a little bit better.

Shitty fans

The shit has officially hit the fan.

The mother of the kid who I cursed in front of - on the baseball field! - did everything from calling the mayor all the way down to my immediate supervisor. She's changed the story a few times, but, more distressingly, she really hates me. I've never felt such hatred before from another human being. It's the sort of hatred that I can only imagine a black person might feel from someone racist, the sort of inescapable hatred that you know there's nothing you can do about except shoulder it. See, this is all about race. I know from her comments with a black colleague - she told her that she felt like it was a white man plantation owner ordering her black boy around - and from her comments to me that she thinks I am a lowdown racist. She said phrases like "I know you don't care one lick about these kids, but..." and "You have no idea how to deal with these kids", and these lines were just loaded with coded racial words. She really hates me, and this apparently has been brewing for a couple of years. Now she has her chance to come after me, and she's going with guns blazing. In fact, those are her words, "Yup, I'm gunning for your job!"

I'm not sure what will happen. I'm expecting a letter of reprimand - my first ever - to placate the parent. I still don't feel like I've done much of anything wrong. Coaches curse. I rarely do it, but I've heard other coaches go nuts on players. I'm not saying that makes it right, but there is a culture of acceptance throughout all of athletics. When my coaches cursed in high school, I knew they cared. And I also think it would be different if I just cussed out the kid, went nuts on him, which I didn't. I told him to go get the fucking ball. Nothing over the top.

I've apologized to the kid for hurting his feelings, and I feel like it should be over. However, if she is expecting an apology from me - to her - then she will be waiting for a long, long time. I almost felt like that's what she was asking for today while she screamed at me in the parking lot. Sorry, lady, this is between me and the kid. You're a bad person who wants someone's career over because he said the f-word in front of a kid. Getting an apology from me will not be happening - ever.

To say I am stressed out about this is an understatement. I'm pissed off, stressed out, tired, sad, and just ready for the season to end and, then, the summer to come.