So, yes, I've been thinking about ending this blog. I don't want to, but have come to the realization that the cons probably now outweigh the pros, and that I don't really write about that interesting of things anymore because too many people in my career and life are reading. I've always kept this online journal for me, and not for my readers, but I'm writing now with the audience too much in mind. Living such a public online existence is just making me feel really vulnerable lately, and it's getting increasingly so. A few specific things have happened, but more than that, it's the thought of what could happen.
I do wonder if perhaps I could make this all about educational politics, or something less personal, but then I remember that if one were to dig through the archives, this is connected to things I wouldn't want, say, a new 9th grade student of mine to be reading. I regret geographically giving the location of my blog, and regret allowing people enough information to figure out who I am. Being a part of the online blogging community here in Baltimore has made me a few friends, but it hasn't helped my blogging, at least in my mind.
I'm hemming and hawing about it, though, and decided to take a week or so off, and blogged just twice in the last two weeks. It's really hard to stop this train, though. Like, I just came back from seeing Joe Turner's Come and Gone at Center Stage. It's the fifth August Wilson play I've seen - I'm getting to the point where I might make it one of my life's goal to become an August Wilson expert - and the strange, quixotic play has been grappling with more questions than answers. And I just want to pour everything in my mind out somewhere, and this is what I used this blog for. And then I realize that I don't want to get too personal, but I do want to say that I'm Harold Loomis, and I'm just looking for my song, and how I year to shine like new money someday - how I teared up a little at the end, when Loomis ripped off his shirt and cut himself, baptizing himself in his own blood, and then walked - no, skipped - away, finally free of the burden he'd been carrying and limping around with the entire rest of the play.
Really, that's more personal than anything else I could say, at least to those readers who know the play. And then I wonder what I'm really doing - this blog, when it's going well, is a desperate call for people to know me, and to know my students, and to hear my story and, secondarily, the story of some good kids in Baltimore. It fills that ancient human longing of revelation to others, perhaps because I have little of that in my real life. And I wonder if I decide to step away, will that seep out in other, more productive, places and people, or if I'll withdraw into myself more. And this is why my sort of blogging scares me, because this feels good, and, yet, this is the type of writing - not about telling people how much I love Alicia Keys - that can probably get people after me... But this is what I like about blogging. So what I love most about this endeavor is what also scares me the most about it.
Back to hemming and hawing.
Happy Holidays! I'm so excited to get out of here a week. Holden and I hit the road on Saturday morning, and I'm quite sure this will be my last post of 2007.
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