So, yes, I've been thinking about ending this blog. I don't want to, but have come to the realization that the cons probably now outweigh the pros, and that I don't really write about that interesting of things anymore because too many people in my career and life are reading. I've always kept this online journal for me, and not for my readers, but I'm writing now with the audience too much in mind. Living such a public online existence is just making me feel really vulnerable lately, and it's getting increasingly so. A few specific things have happened, but more than that, it's the thought of what could happen.
I do wonder if perhaps I could make this all about educational politics, or something less personal, but then I remember that if one were to dig through the archives, this is connected to things I wouldn't want, say, a new 9th grade student of mine to be reading. I regret geographically giving the location of my blog, and regret allowing people enough information to figure out who I am. Being a part of the online blogging community here in Baltimore has made me a few friends, but it hasn't helped my blogging, at least in my mind.
I'm hemming and hawing about it, though, and decided to take a week or so off, and blogged just twice in the last two weeks. It's really hard to stop this train, though. Like, I just came back from seeing Joe Turner's Come and Gone at Center Stage. It's the fifth August Wilson play I've seen - I'm getting to the point where I might make it one of my life's goal to become an August Wilson expert - and the strange, quixotic play has been grappling with more questions than answers. And I just want to pour everything in my mind out somewhere, and this is what I used this blog for. And then I realize that I don't want to get too personal, but I do want to say that I'm Harold Loomis, and I'm just looking for my song, and how I year to shine like new money someday - how I teared up a little at the end, when Loomis ripped off his shirt and cut himself, baptizing himself in his own blood, and then walked - no, skipped - away, finally free of the burden he'd been carrying and limping around with the entire rest of the play.
Really, that's more personal than anything else I could say, at least to those readers who know the play. And then I wonder what I'm really doing - this blog, when it's going well, is a desperate call for people to know me, and to know my students, and to hear my story and, secondarily, the story of some good kids in Baltimore. It fills that ancient human longing of revelation to others, perhaps because I have little of that in my real life. And I wonder if I decide to step away, will that seep out in other, more productive, places and people, or if I'll withdraw into myself more. And this is why my sort of blogging scares me, because this feels good, and, yet, this is the type of writing - not about telling people how much I love Alicia Keys - that can probably get people after me... But this is what I like about blogging. So what I love most about this endeavor is what also scares me the most about it.
Back to hemming and hawing.
Happy Holidays! I'm so excited to get out of here a week. Holden and I hit the road on Saturday morning, and I'm quite sure this will be my last post of 2007.
NL Notes: Amarista, Nationals, Morse, Krol
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Here are a few National League notes as we head into the weekend: Padres utilityman Alexi Amarista has switched his representation to Martin Arburua, tweets ...
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10 comments:
well you know what? I've kinda followed a parallel path that you did - I graduated michigan state in 2001 (I spent I guess 3 years at West Mcdonel after transferring from D.C). I grew up in Michigan, and am a lifelong (84, 87, 2006) tiger fan, pistons fan (88-90 and beyond) and red wings fan...and I'm a third year teacher who sucked horribly (I suppose I exagerrate slightly) my first year, but has gotten gradually better.
I do you leave a way for some of us to get in touch with you, should you start a blog that is more closed to the people that you feel vulnerable towards. Whatever the case, I've enjoyed reading, and ocassionally commenting about the tigers, and the ups and downs that you've been through lately. It kinda helps put things in perspective for a lot of readers :)
Take care, good luck, and happy new years man. I envy that you can go home to Tiger land. My wife and I cant afford to this holiday season, sigh.
This always happens to people who opt to share their lives with the world. It's a tiny taste fame, even if only on a small scale. As I've found more people reading, I've considering toning things down and getting less personal. Sure I get the usual "you put that stuff online" comments, but more and more of the feedback I've gotten has been overwhelmingly positive.
Your dilemma is one solely of the internet age. Had you been living the same life merely 20 years ago, you would not find yourself in this quandry. You can thank the internet for your current decision.
The problem is not whether you can journal. You can do that with or without the internet, with or without a computer for that matter. You can pour your soul onto a piece of paper with a pen or pencil if need be.
The problem is that you have had this desire to share your life with the rest of the world. Literally, if they can read English, or have a translator program, and they have access to a computer and the internet, all of the BILLIONS of people in the world have access to your life, or at least that part of your life that you have decided to share with the world.
I have always wished that you would open up more about what goes on within the walls of the school, more of the drama and politics, scandals and intrigue. I wanted to read your perspective on the inner workings of American public education, an insider's view. However, I have understood that you feared for your job, you didn't want to risk your position, etc. But if you can't be completely open and honest, then it's not really a true journal, eh? I have noticed over the years that you have held back more, been more reserved in general, tried to stick to "safe" subjects.
So you have reached the crossroads. The moment you began this odyssey so many years ago, whether you knew it or not, you were on a path to this place. It was inevitable; there was no avoiding it.
To share, or not to share, that is the question,
Whether tis nobler in the mind to bare your heart and soul
To a world of open and closed eyes
Or to give in to a sea of troubles, heartaches and pain,
And pull the plug.
Internet suicide. It's always an option. But we wouldn't have had a play if Hamlet had offed himself at the beginning of the third act. Likewise, it wouldn't make much of a Hollywood treatment today if you just walk away. In the film version, you find out tomorrow that one of your students, a bright shining star, has been shot (but not killed, just in a coma) in a random act of violence, and you commit yourself to telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Your blog creates a major uproar within your school, leading to some major changes, but along the way you are threatened with the loss of your job. This leads ultimately to a school board meeting, or perhaps a courtroom scene, where you defend your actions with a stirring and inspirational speech. The movie ends with you walking out on the steps in front of the school headquarters/court building, and an older woman comes up to you. It's your shot student's grandmother. He has just awoken from his coma and she just wants you to know that the first thing he asked was if he had missed your class. She adds that you gave him the one thing that no one else in this world was able to give him - HOPE.
An Epilogue comes up explaining that you left the school system and started your own privately funded school for troubled youth in the city. And everyone can read all about it on www.whatever.blogger.whatever. As for the student who was shot, he is pursuing a degree in creative writing or somesuch at Harvard or something.
Or, then again, you could just drop this one and start again somewhere else. Internet suicide and then reincarnation. Just be sure to drop me an email so I know where to find you. Also, let me know if you'd like to sell the story to Hollywood - they're looking for some writers right now. I'd love to be your agent - I've got some connections.
Your Buddy in Tucson
You're a good writer and you want to share your life with others? It sounds like you want to write a book! Have you ever thought about starting a book about your life? I'm sure it would be a very interesting read.
You may regret it if you don't and there's no harm in writing and trying, is there?
If you should decide to leave, I would hope that you would still allow for some of us to keep in contact with you. I've enjoyed reading this blog, and I'd be extremely sorry to see you go! Please think about allowing some kind of connection with long-term fans, I'd really miss a regular Epiphany moment now and then.
I found your blog about a year ago, and I too, would miss reading your thoughts if you go. I like hearing about your teaching life and about your students and about your personal life as well. It's very interesting to get an insider's thoughts about the changes currently happening in your school system. It is always a risk to open oneself to the world in this form, and some have experienced consequences as a result. I hope you'll be able to find a way to continue to open your mind and heart to us. Have a relaxing and renewing time away, and I hope you'll come back to your faithful readers in the new year.
I hope you keep blogging. We need your voice "out there."
Merry Christmas!
I've been reading your blog since I was a high school student and you hosted it on diaryland. I never even realized that until now...kind of crazy. I was initially attracted to it because it was an inside look at "the other." The other being high school English teachers, and your writing helped me develop a sense of compassion for them. You've served a noble purpose, Mr. Epiphany. I went on to teach writing/theatre in "special needs" public high schools (ESL, drug addiction, mental health disorders, etc.) in NYC; so it was nice to come here and read about someone else's triumphs in the classroom, especially on days when I felt like a disastrous educator. If you quit writing this blog, I will most certainly miss reading it.
Have you considered abandoning this blog and simply starting a new one? It sucks, but when I reached a point where too many of my friends and colleagues were reading my blog, I jumped ship and started anew. It's not exactly fun to come up with a clever new name, but who doesn't yearn for a chance to reinvent their image/identity every once in a while? I think you just need a fresh start.
I hope you take my suggestion and create a new blog for yourself. While it is unwise to let your loyal readers know of your new url, maybe we'll be lucky enough to stumble upon it one day. I've got my fingers crossed.
Enjoy the holidays.
-M.
I'll miss you if you leave. I've read you for a long time, and I love hearing your opinion on things
Hey there-
Just adding my voice to the chorus, you'll be missed if you decide not to write this anymore. In addition. wasn't Joe Turner fabulous?!?!?
Best wishes,
Eric
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