It was a long day today, starting with taking the roommate to the airport at 6am, then a surprise shift at the restaurant (I didn't think I had to work, but a call at 9am saying I was a half-hour late ended that notion), which required me to miss a baby shower/barbecue I was set (and excited) to attend, then down to Elkridge for a wedding party.
When I returned home, I had a letter from a friend who I trust a lot. It's good to get the perspective of people outside a situation, especially this guy's, and his letter has made me think quite a bit. See, I told him about the situation with the kid a week and a half ago, when I screamed at him to go get the fucking foul ball, and how that situation escalated despite my apology. He wrote quite a bit about how people like me - the reflective types - internalize someone else's hate and try to justify a reason for it, even thinking there must be some sort of kernel of truth to it. Then, he transitions into what I did, writing: "I am, and if I'm overstepping my bounds forgive me and ignore this paragraph, worried about your anger. Is it time to think about therapy?"
And, while I'm not sure if this is where I am, I can certainly say that I'm not a big fan of myself right now. I haven't seen this guy every day for a couple of years, and I can probably say unilaterally that the "Epiphany in Baltimore" of two years ago would never have gotten himself in this situation. I've always been known for my cool head and happy-go-lucky attitude, and I just don't have it right now.
And, yes, the last three weeks or so have been bad, to the point where I'm feeling very homesick and guilty about moving from Michigan and leaving my parents and sister behind, for what? My school is disfunctional and my job not nearly as fulfilling as it felt just two years ago, let alone four years ago. I'm 30 years old without any prospects for marriage or kids and, really, not much motivation for it, either. I've gained 50 pounds after losing 120. I'm unhealthy, lonely, and perpetually exhausted.
I can still look at my life through certain lens and be pretty happy about it. I have great friends. I still have great days teaching, and do really love the students and the material I'm teaching. I like coaching most of the time. I even like waiting tables.
But am I happy? I'm not. I've been thinking hard lately about my next step in life. The moving in with my friend has gone well, but it was just a move to prolong the inevitable, the next step in my life. Will it be buying a house in Baltimore, and actually trying some new things on the social scene of Baltimore? Like, actually dating? It doesn't seem the case. I really don't like myself that much right now. I'm just not in a good place.
How can I find this good place? I don't really think therapy is for me, and I actually do know what's "wrong" with me - I'm too busy, too overcommitted, too unhealthy, too fat, too lonely. I don't concentrate on what is important and concentrate on everything else. I fall easily into bad habits. I surround myself with too much negativity and let it fester. I don't go to the gym anymore, my best outlet for stress and best way to feel good about myself. I spent money foolishly and allow it to become stressful. I let things go until I have to deal with them, and it's always worse then.
I can identify all these things. It's just doing something about it where I get lost.
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