It was a long day today, starting with taking the roommate to the airport at 6am, then a surprise shift at the restaurant (I didn't think I had to work, but a call at 9am saying I was a half-hour late ended that notion), which required me to miss a baby shower/barbecue I was set (and excited) to attend, then down to Elkridge for a wedding party.
When I returned home, I had a letter from a friend who I trust a lot. It's good to get the perspective of people outside a situation, especially this guy's, and his letter has made me think quite a bit. See, I told him about the situation with the kid a week and a half ago, when I screamed at him to go get the fucking foul ball, and how that situation escalated despite my apology. He wrote quite a bit about how people like me - the reflective types - internalize someone else's hate and try to justify a reason for it, even thinking there must be some sort of kernel of truth to it. Then, he transitions into what I did, writing: "I am, and if I'm overstepping my bounds forgive me and ignore this paragraph, worried about your anger. Is it time to think about therapy?"
And, while I'm not sure if this is where I am, I can certainly say that I'm not a big fan of myself right now. I haven't seen this guy every day for a couple of years, and I can probably say unilaterally that the "Epiphany in Baltimore" of two years ago would never have gotten himself in this situation. I've always been known for my cool head and happy-go-lucky attitude, and I just don't have it right now.
And, yes, the last three weeks or so have been bad, to the point where I'm feeling very homesick and guilty about moving from Michigan and leaving my parents and sister behind, for what? My school is disfunctional and my job not nearly as fulfilling as it felt just two years ago, let alone four years ago. I'm 30 years old without any prospects for marriage or kids and, really, not much motivation for it, either. I've gained 50 pounds after losing 120. I'm unhealthy, lonely, and perpetually exhausted.
I can still look at my life through certain lens and be pretty happy about it. I have great friends. I still have great days teaching, and do really love the students and the material I'm teaching. I like coaching most of the time. I even like waiting tables.
But am I happy? I'm not. I've been thinking hard lately about my next step in life. The moving in with my friend has gone well, but it was just a move to prolong the inevitable, the next step in my life. Will it be buying a house in Baltimore, and actually trying some new things on the social scene of Baltimore? Like, actually dating? It doesn't seem the case. I really don't like myself that much right now. I'm just not in a good place.
How can I find this good place? I don't really think therapy is for me, and I actually do know what's "wrong" with me - I'm too busy, too overcommitted, too unhealthy, too fat, too lonely. I don't concentrate on what is important and concentrate on everything else. I fall easily into bad habits. I surround myself with too much negativity and let it fester. I don't go to the gym anymore, my best outlet for stress and best way to feel good about myself. I spent money foolishly and allow it to become stressful. I let things go until I have to deal with them, and it's always worse then.
I can identify all these things. It's just doing something about it where I get lost.
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5 comments:
Just a suggestion: therapy might be a good thing. About 10 years ago, I was forced by my employer to get therapy or lose my job. I ranted and raved (privately) about the ultimatum, but I didn't want to lose my job, so I went to the therapist. It turned out to be a life-saver for me. One of the mantras I heard from my therapist over and over was this: "If you like what you've got, keep doing what you're doing." I return to that mantra frequently when I need to correct my course.
When there is too much going on, thinking about all of it tends to cause paralysis, and nothing gets done. Perhaps before therapy, choose one of the things in your last paragraph and make starting to change it a priority. Leaving the rest for another day/week/month.
Hang in there. School's almost over. Next year think of yourself and sacrafice a little less. It's a really important job, but you get paid very little and sometimes you're not even appreciated. Get healthy, get a girlfriend and get more of the life you want. You'll still be the city's best teacher but you won't be resentful and you'll be happier, I think.
I think the fact that you've connected some of this to the simple fact of being 30 years old says a lot to me. I'm not going to say "Midlife Crisis" because that's not really it. But you do go through a certain crisis of faith at that point. You start to wonder if you're moving your life in the right direction.
Fact is, you're (naturally) too close to the situation to see it well. "Can't see the forest," etc. When I was that age I went through a similar thing where I worked full time in a school (non-public, and I was a teacher's aide at the time, not even degreed yet!), then went straight to a residential facility and worked with the same type population of kids. Weekends were spent at the residence program. So it was six- and seven-day work weeks for me for a long time.
My life was basically defined by four spaces: Classroom, car, residence program, home. It drove me batshit at the time but in retrospect I gained so much valuable work and life experience that I can look back on it as a fond memory.
I'm not going to tell you that therapy is the way to go for you; only you can decide that. I've had times when it helped and others when it didn't. Don't forget, however, that BCPSS participates in the Employee Assistance Program, so you can get it for nothing if need be.
Finally (this comment is getting longer than the post), Anonymous 9:36 makes a good point. Small steps. And the other thing you should do is respond to my recent email with a resounding "YES" because I have another suggestion that I won't bring up here.
Be well!
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