It was a shitty weekend. No getting around that. I worked 20 hours on Saturday and Sunday, and I'm so exhausted and sore right now that I feel like I can do nothing else tonight. I'm just waiting for an acceptable time to go to bed, so I can do it and the weekend will be part of my history.
Saturday started off with me paying all the bills that I have to pay right now. There was $780 worth of them. My paycheck that I received on Friday was $1039. I had to pay $780 to other people - my student loans, my heat/electricity, my insurance. $780! All to faceless student loan people in Wisconsin or to those bloodsuckers at BGE and the fine people at Erie.
Paying all those bills brought upon one of these thoughts that this period in my life (largely unhappy, often lonely, though peppered with just enough contentment - mostly through teaching, sometimes through good friends - to keep me going hard) that I feel like I've been going through for the last three years - this limbo of working two jobs, not really having much of a social life (particularly in the romantic area), not being or feeling that healthy like I was when I was 25 and 26 - will not be worth it. I'll continue to struggle to get by, never enjoy the fruits of all this hard work, and end up 47 years old and turning into the gullible man who life was his cats and his weekly steak dinners with his mom who let a couple of guys strap a bomb to his body. I could so find myself into that sort of bizarre situation.
I really want to quit my second job, but I'm not even sure if I can. Paying off the car will help, but paying off student loans is the much greater burden, and that's not going to happen until I'm in my forties. Meanwhile, I'd really like to get a Master's Degree so that $1039 I get every two weeks becomes a greater amount, but I don't even know how I can clear my schedule enough to take classes.
I'm twenty-eight years old. Half of John Spencer's age. Will I ever come close to the things I want to do with my life, or will I continue doing what I've always done, and never really get ahead or feel like someone's not gaining on me from behind? Is this something I'll always feel, so I might as well get used to it? I make a life for myself everyday by "getting used to it" - I can live with almost anything with my "whatever" attitude - and need to draw a line somewhere.
I apparently need a vacation. The holidays couldn't come soon enough. Blah.
On a positive note, Courtney Thorne-Smith said, "Yes," and I'm hoping to take her to see King Kong on Thursday. We'll see if it happens. I'm crossing my fingers and trying to calm those stomach butterflies.
And, even though I had to work 20 long and hard hours to earn it, I made myself $300 this weekend during the two shifts. If I hadn't just paid all that in student loans the day before, I'd be even more excited, but I guess it's nice to recoup it.
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