I just sent my father the angriest e-mail I've ever sent to anyone. I had thoughts about posting it on here - as I'm generally all about throwing it all on here, warts and all, as this is a journal for myself more than anything else - but it's even too angry, too personal for here.
It comes down to money, and he not believing me about something that is 100% true, and me feeling incredibly let down by him. I actually hung up on the phone with him tonight, something I've never done, and went home and wrote the e-mail. I'm still simmering.
As happy as I am at times, I live a hard, lonely life. I live for my job, and am enriched and enlivened by it, but live my days feeling like I'm only on the outskirts of other people's lives. An afterthought. I know this isn't their fault, or really even mine, I just know it's true. I even know the reason - it's because I'm so busy, so spread thin. But I need to be. I need to get ahead, I need to get to a point where I can stop worrying about money. I've been working this second job now for 2.5 years, and am feeling better about things, but every year, it's something else - like getting audited from 2002, for example, something that's going to put me back $1200 because somehow I did my taxes wrong. I had savings, but now they're pretty much gone.
I keep my eyes on that prize of a debt-free existence and look for a balance where I can have a week with a night off to ask a girl on a date, or take a class so I don't lose my certification in 2008. That rarely happens, but I'm optimistic. If it doesn't happen one week, I assume it will happen the next. It's like I live week to week. I make it through one, then see if I can make it through another. I always can. I'm strong. I'm optimistic. I've now not had a real day off since I returned from my North Carolina vacation in the middle of August, but that's okay. I know what I need to do.
But the last thing in the world I need is to call my parents and end up feeling like I did tonight after our conversation. Like absolute shit. I'm a good person, flawed but good, and I'm doing the fucking best I can. And I do it all for them. He can go to hell.
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