I just sent my father the angriest e-mail I've ever sent to anyone. I had thoughts about posting it on here - as I'm generally all about throwing it all on here, warts and all, as this is a journal for myself more than anything else - but it's even too angry, too personal for here.
It comes down to money, and he not believing me about something that is 100% true, and me feeling incredibly let down by him. I actually hung up on the phone with him tonight, something I've never done, and went home and wrote the e-mail. I'm still simmering.
As happy as I am at times, I live a hard, lonely life. I live for my job, and am enriched and enlivened by it, but live my days feeling like I'm only on the outskirts of other people's lives. An afterthought. I know this isn't their fault, or really even mine, I just know it's true. I even know the reason - it's because I'm so busy, so spread thin. But I need to be. I need to get ahead, I need to get to a point where I can stop worrying about money. I've been working this second job now for 2.5 years, and am feeling better about things, but every year, it's something else - like getting audited from 2002, for example, something that's going to put me back $1200 because somehow I did my taxes wrong. I had savings, but now they're pretty much gone.
I keep my eyes on that prize of a debt-free existence and look for a balance where I can have a week with a night off to ask a girl on a date, or take a class so I don't lose my certification in 2008. That rarely happens, but I'm optimistic. If it doesn't happen one week, I assume it will happen the next. It's like I live week to week. I make it through one, then see if I can make it through another. I always can. I'm strong. I'm optimistic. I've now not had a real day off since I returned from my North Carolina vacation in the middle of August, but that's okay. I know what I need to do.
But the last thing in the world I need is to call my parents and end up feeling like I did tonight after our conversation. Like absolute shit. I'm a good person, flawed but good, and I'm doing the fucking best I can. And I do it all for them. He can go to hell.
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4 comments:
It is always unplesant to be angry with a parent. I hope you can resolve what went on with your father. Sometimes it will work out for the best. I only met you one time and from what I see in your blogs you are doing everything right. People that know you speak very kindly about you. You have a lot going for you and this is just a bump in the road. You have a lot of friends here in Baltimore. Please remember that.
Frank The Reader
Hang in there hon. Parents are what they are. They're not perfect, just human.
not to be critical, but i don't understand why you work in food service to make extra money. you should try doing private tutoring -that would pay so much more than the place you work, where the money isn't even steady, but the hours are long. i think you actually like your food service job, and that is why you stay. but if it was really just about the money, you would find something better.
If you know of tutoring that pays more than waiting tables, I'd love to know.
I have friends who work private tutoring, as well as doing things like teach SAT prep, or other teacher-related skills, and I make *much* more than they do. For example, last week, a somewhat slow week, I made almost $300 at the restaurant total. If you know a way for me to make that tutoring per week, please, let me know. It's certainly not something readily available to anyone I know.
That being said, I do like waiting tables for the most part. I like talking to people and hearing their stories. I don't like that I'm busy all the time and never have any time to myself, and definitely would like to quit, but I'd pretty much be an idiot to do something I absolutely hated for two and a half years.
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